Submission – The Dreaded “S” Word

The Dreaded “S” word – Submission

Submission should be something that we are honored to do, but oftentimes, it is dreaded as something so horribly awful.  I think that there has been some teaching out there that is unbiblical regarding submission.  As I learned some Biblical things about submission, it has helped me look at it in a whole new way.  I pray that the insights will help each one of you be able to embrace the role of submitting to your husband.

I like the Amplified version of Eph. 5:33 — …let the wife see that she respects and reverences (deeply respects, loves, and is in awe of) her husband.  She should notice him, regard (consider, gaze upon, to hold in affection and respect) him, honor him, prefer him, venerate (look upon with deep respect) him, and esteem (to value highly) him, and that she defers (to yield with courtesy) to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.

As God has delivered me from some patterns of wrong thinking due to moral
failures that occurred before I was married, I have been able to enjoy my husband in new ways.  We have been married almost fifteen years now, but oftentimes, I find myself flirting with him, just with my eyes.  We will both get to giggling, and then Rachel will start saying, “What’s so funny?”  Which, of course, only makes us laugh harder.  We just tell her that it’s something between mommy and daddy.  If you aren’t in the habit of flirting with your husband, I highly recommend it!  You may be very pleasantly surprised at the results.

One year I bought some massage oil for him.  Even after being married well over ten years, he blushed when he opened it.  This was just another way of regarding him and esteeming him.

In the above verse in Eph. 5, it mentions preferring your husband.  A way to show that I prefer him is that when he gets home in the evening, I try not to make any phone calls.  If a phone call comes in for me, I keep it short, and just explain to the person that my husband is home so I need to go.  I also try to stay off of the computer when he is home.  This shows honor to him, as well as preferring him.  I also don’t make plans to get together with my girlfriends when he is going to be home.  Another way to show respect for him is that if you are watching TV, and he wants to talk, turn it off.  Show him that you are more interested in what he has to say than what the “one-eyed monster” is saying.

If you feel that you are at a loss of how to apply this scripture in your marriage, ask God to reveal to you ways that you can apply it.  I did that and God began to show me other ways, as well as what I had already put into practice.  One thing is so simple, but yet it is still a way to respect and regard him.  When I wash the bath towels, I always put his on top of the stack.  Then when he needs it, he doesn’t have to dig through the stack.  I try to keep socks and underwear for him in the bathroom so that when he goes to take a shower, it’s one less thing that he has to dig out from the bedroom.  These are such simple, easy things, but as moms, don’t you find that it’s the simple things that your spouse does for you that you tend to appreciate the most?  For instance, what if he makes the bed or says that he will do the dishes?  Those things don’t take up a lot of time, but I know that I deeply appreciate having someone else do them for me once in a while.

A way in which you can defer to your husband is by letting him choose the TV show for the evening or even by letting him pick the restaurant when you are going out to eat.  Even if you may not feel like doing it, when he says, “Let’s go to…,” answer enthusiastically by saying, “Sure!  Sounds great!”  This is just one more way where you defer to him.  If he is suggesting that you go someplace, it means that he is desiring YOUR company!

Many men don’t take the time to nurture friendships with other men.  They are too busy trying to make a living.  I began to pray about this issue.  It was only a matter of a few weeks before my husband was out having coffee and met another Christian man.  They get together often to chat.  I don’t begrudge him of this because I have seen the difference that this one friendship has made in his attitude.

While on this subject, let me highly recommend the book called “The Power of a Praying Wife.”  It is an awesome book that will help you pray more effectively for your husband.  That book is what lead me to start praying for a male friend for my husband.  I have added that book to part of my devotional time.  The prayers are loaded with scripture.  I love putting scripture in my prayers because I have no doubt as to whether or not I am praying for  God’s will.  It helps me to stay more focused on my prayers for my husband as well.  I have seen positive results from these prayers many times.

Another simple way I have found to honor my husband is by planning just about every night to use the massager on his back.  He gets to hurting, and that really does help to make him feel better, not to mention that it just plain feels good!  A side note here is that shortly after I started making this a habit, he was talking to a lady who asked him if I worked.  He responded by telling her “Yes, she works hard.  She has a hot meal fixed for me every night and she massages my back just about every night!”  That made me feel more appreciated than if he had brought home a dozen roses.

In I Pet. 3:1 it says that wives should submit to their husbands.  If you skip down to verse 5, it’s still talking about the submission issue, and it says that the holy women of old WHO HOPED IN GOD were submissive to their husbands, adapting themselves to their husbands.  The bottom line here is that if we can’t submit to our husband, then we have a problem with our relationship with the Lord.  Notice that the verse says the holy women of old hoped in GOD.  They saw their submission to their husband as a submission to God.  They trusted God to take care of them, even if their husbands made a bad choice.  Now I’m not saying that we need to submit to them if they are asking us to sin.  That is entirely different.

Let me give you an example.  My husband wanted me to start the process of looking for a different house.  I was not thrilled with the idea, but I obeyed him, and have started looking.  I am putting my trust in the Lord that if we are to move, that God will make a way for it.  If God doesn’t want us to move, then I am praying for Him to close any doors that my husband may want to go through that aren’t God’s plan for us.

I have found that it is really easy to look at someone else’s faults (including my husband’s), and want to pray for God to change them.  I have learned that it is much wiser to pray for God to change ME!  Often, God will let us go through things to teach us something.  There may be something that you really want to change, but God may want to get you to be content in the circumstance BEFORE He decides to bring about a change in it.  Hmm, seems to me that Paul mentioned learning how to be content in any circumstance.

Another way to show respect for him is to keep the house in good order.  No husband wants to come home to disarray after working hard all day.  I’m not saying to have the place spotless at all times.  I’m just saying that it should be orderly, without toys and clutter being everywhere when he walks in the door.  Your home should be a sanctuary for him, a place where he feels at peace and rest.  It should be an inviting place for him.  If you do this, not only are you following what God would have you to do, but you are also putting the enemy to flight.  You are giving one less temptation to your husband by making the home inviting to him.  You are making it a place where he wants to be.

© 2003, Stacy R Miller

Space Invaders

Space Invaders

We live in a time where many things need our attention.  We can easily neglect the really important things (people and relationships), to take care of the lesser things, which I will refer to as ‘space invaders.’

I know in my own life, one of the important things that space invaders attack is my time with my husband.  Granted, we all have times when we have a child with the stomach flu, and so the child gets top priority.  But, what about those times when everyone is healthy?  What space invaders keep you from getting that quiet time with your husband?  There are so many obvious ones — exhaustion, bathtime, bedtime rituals, television, cleaning the house, doing laundry, repairs, too many outside activities (even good ones, like church), phone calls, working outside the home, paying bills, helping the extended family, and even our own selfishness, can all become space invaders.

Space invaders love it when we are selfish.  Selfishness rares its ugly head when we find ourselves wanting to read a book, rather than giving some attention to our husband.  It can be seen through our desire to watch our favorite television show, neglecting our husband’s need to ‘vent’ after a grueling day at work.  We can show selfishness by choosing to call a friend while he is at home.  Surely we can find another time to chat!

In a time when divorce is so prevalent, we need to be on guard against space invaders.  They can come in very subtly, sometimes through romantic movies.  We can watch these shows, filled with romance and begin to resent the lack of romance in our own marriage.  This can cause emotional distance (space invaders), between us.  What about romantic novels?  Yes, even Christian fiction can bring a sense of dissatisfaction to us when we see the couple in the book in such romantic scenes.  They can cause us to get romantic notions in our heads of what we’d like to see in our marriage.  When it doesn’t happen, we allow more space invaders to enter, causing more distance between us.

When we said our wedding vows, we never promised to love him only when he is romantic with us.  Reality is that the romance parts fades rather quickly because we are consumed with working, taking care of the house, paying bills, then raising children.  We must remember that any romance movies or books are not based on reality.  They are simply a story.  I’m not saying that romance will never be a part of your marriage again, but the times of romance will usually be few and far between.  And, who said that it needs to be left up to our husband to bring the romance back to the marriage?  You have the ability to do things to spark romance from time to time, and I’ll bet that even if your husband doesn’t comment much about it, he does appreciate it.

Another very subtle tactic of space invaders is to get us to focus on another Christian man, observing how seemingly spiritual he is.  The next thing we know, we are criticizing our own husband, even if the criticism goes no further than our thoughts.  Often, thoughts become words, and words become actions.  This is a very dangerous place, Sister!  Satan delights in destroying marriages, and to destroy a Christian marriage is his ultimate pleasure.  Don’t let these kinds of space invaders get a foothold in your marriage!

One thing I have discovered is that the closer I walk with the Lord, and the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I love my husband.  I am able to see more clearly that serving him, pampering him, romancing him, and cherishing him is the same as doing it for my Master, honoring Him by my actions toward my husband.  And one more thing — NO ONE ELSE is called to do this to my husband!  It is for ME ALONE!  No one else gets this pleasure, this intimacy, this thrill!

Sister, go fall head over heels in love with Jesus.  See what sparks come alive in your own marriage, keeping those space invaders at bay.
© 2004, Stacy R Miller

“Seducing” Your Husband

“Seducing Your Husband”

I Pet. 3:1-4  Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

This means that we are to hold our husband in high esteem, not that we are subordinate, or less than him.  It doesn’t mean that we have to always agree with him.  Although, when disagreeing, we need to keep a gentleness about the issue, and not be nagging or talking down to him while discussing the situation.  It means a willingness to yield to his headship.  Yielding to his headship is also yielding to God because God is over your husband.

Seducing our husband in a Christian way is by adorning ourselves with a gentle and quiet spirit, and adorning ourselves with honor and respect toward our husband.  I read one time where wives complain that they want their husbands to love them more.  Husbands, on the other hand, want their wives to RESPECT them.

When out in public, what do women do when they step into the ladies room?  Invariably, they will check their lipstick and their hair.  If there’s no restroom close by, most women will carry a little compact case with them.  Spiritually, we need to have a compact case, filled with honor, respect, and reverence for our husband, ready to be pulled out and put on at any given moment.

If we spend time making ourselves pretty for our boss, then we need to do the same for our husband.  I know that can be hard.  After wearing high heels and control-top pantyhose all day, we just want to come home, and “let it all hang out.”

One thing about the outer beauty, it needs to be tempered with modesty.   In I Tim. 2:9 it says that women should dress modestly, with decency and propriety (proper and fitting)…  In other words, if it is too low, too high, or too tight, then it is not modest, and it is dressing with the intent to seduce.  I am sad to say that I have seen too much of this in my own church.  I have serious misgivings about wanting to hang out with any woman who dress for church in such a way.  To me, they are much more concerned with getting attention for themselves and taking the attention from the Lord.  How that must anger our Lord to see these kinds of women literally setting themselves up as an idol, and in His house!

A lot of our beauty is, in fact, store-bought.  We buy the make-up, jewelry, clothing, curling iron, pay the beautician, etc.  There is nothing wrong with this, but we need to be careful to remember that it’s not the outer that is really you.  YOU are what is inside!  I Pet. 3:4 talks about the hidden person of the heart –  that is speaking about the stuff on the inside of you, not your outer beauty.   The inner beauty should always take precedence over the outer beauty.  A good test for this:  Which gets more attention?  Feeding your spirit the Word and praying, or putting on your make-up and clothing?  Ouch!
We need to be spending as much time on our inner beauty.  If we invest in God’s presence, then he will transform us by His glory.  II Cor. 3:18

If we dishonor our husband, then we are wearing ugly attire and ugly adornment.  If we talk him down to our friends and in front of our children, we are adorning ourselves with ugliness.  If we struggle in this area, we need to ask God to transform us on the inside.

When is the last time that you spoke a kind word to your husband?  When is the last time that you encouraged him or complimented him?  Men greatly need to be encouraged and respected.  I try to remind myself how blessed I am to be able to stay home with my daughter.  I realize that my husband works hard so that I can stay home.  That makes it much easier for me to come up with the words of appreciation.

What makes something rare and precious is that it is something of great value.  Prov. 31:10 says that a wife of noble character is worth far more than rubies.  You can find pretty women all day long, but it’s often hard to find a woman who is rare, precious, and excellent in her character.  YOUR VALUE IS PRECIOUS TO GOD!  Let God polish you with the Holy Spirit.  This is something that is very attractive to God, and as you allow Him to do so, GOD will begin to work on your husband.  Before you know it, your husband is going to be truly seduced, in a Christian kind of way.

I Pet. 3:4 talks about the UNFADING beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.  Over time, most of us will probably put on some weight.  Our outer appearances will change over time.  Our hair may turn gray.  We will develop wrinkles.  God wants us to develop that UNFADING beauty of the inner person and not concentrate so much on the outer beauty, which is bound to fade in time.

Dear Lord, help us to desire to spend that quality time with You, knowing that it is the inner beauty which is of utmost importance in our lives.  Teach us how to honor, respect, and reverence our husbands in new ways.  Help us to be diligent in this.  Our husbands face so much as they are out there working in the world.  Help us to make the home a sanctuary for them by being the gentle and quiet women that You desire us to be.  Let our homes and our attitudes be peaceful from the many storms that we face in this world.  Amen.

© 2003, Stacy R Miller

Reality Marriage

Reality Marriage

There are so many “reality shows” on TV right now.  Yet, when I have wasted some time watching them, they aren’t “reality” at all.  The only reality that I have seen in so many of them is that you will get hurt emotionally, you will have people stab you in the back, and you will end up looking like a fool in most scenarios.

So many “lovestruck” couples get ideas in their heads of what marriage is going to be for them.  Shortly after they say “I do,” their “reality” sets in.  While women find fulfillment in relationships, men find fulfillment in their accomplishments.  They find fulfillment in being able to cross one more item off of their lifelong list of things to do, and getting married is usually one of those items.  While the wife wants to nurture their relationship, have candlelight dinners, and cuddle on the couch together, the man may be looking at his agenda, searching for the next thing to conquer.  For the bride who has the “lovestruck” notion that her new husband will meet all of her needs, she finds that she is bitterly disappointed.

TV doesn’t help in the view of marriage.  There are so many shows which have fairy tale endings such as Cinderella.  Her prince charming comes and dashes her away to live a perfect life, willing to meet her every wish.  We all know that isn’t reality.  Reality is that over 50% of marriages will fail.  Reality is that there are many wives who face physical or emotional abuse on a daily basis.

Ladies, your husband will fail at some point.  Maybe he won’t ever beat you or commit adultery.  Praise God if he doesn’t!  However, we need to remember that he is just a man, and man will at some point have failures to face.  How we, as wives, respond to those failures will speak volumes to him.  When failure hits him, he is going to be dealing with a myriad of emotions and thoughts.  He may feel worthless, fearful, stressed, insignificant, or unloved, just to name a few.  His self-esteem may be at an all-time low.  As the woman who has vowed to honor and cherish this man, we must guard our words, as well as our body language when he faces these troublesome times.

One thing we often try to do is help him, but we do it in our own strength, rather than depending on the Lord.  By continuing in our own strength, we may blurt out, “I told you it was a bad idea!”  So much for following the biblical mandate to encourage one another!  (Heb. 3:13, 10:25) Poor hubby already knows it was a bad idea; that’s why it failed!  He doesn’t need us to remind him of that failure, making him feel like more of a failure himself.

It’s important to remember that when we face failures, we often view ourselves as being the failure, when in reality, the failure came through something which we may have done.  There is a difference.  For instance, if I try a new recipe and it turns out terrible, that doesn’t mean that I am a failure at cooking.  It just means that particular recipe was a failure.  I have to move on to another meal, forgetting about the previous one.

We must be diligent to pray even more aggressively during these times.  God is willing to give us wisdom when we ask for it.  (James 1:5) What we  think we should say to him may not be the wisest thing to say, so we must stay connected to the Lord, trusting Him to help us be an encourager.  We are told in scripture to bear one another’s burdens.  (Gal. 6:2) Many times we think of doing this to those outside of our home, but whose burden would be better to bear than our spouse’s?  After all, we did vow to love him in the good times and the bad times.

We need to be considerate of his feelings and moodiness.  Let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk, but let him know that you don’t want to force him to talk if silent reflection is what he feels that he needs for the moment.  My husband has been going through some real trials lately.  On top of that, he is overwhelmed with three jobs that loom before him.  It seems like he is running into difficulty with all three jobs.  While letting him vent to me this morning, I casually mentioned a couple of things which the Lord has recently shown me, and gently suggested that he try looking at his tasks in the same way.  I believe that part of why he was receptive to this is because I take the time to ask him about his work.  I also ask if there is anything I can do to help, and I sympathize with what he is feeling.  I don’t try to solve his problem, or attack his manhood by telling him that he is doing it all wrong.  I give him the listening ear that he needs, and then he is receptive to a gentle, biblically based admonition, because I’m not preaching at him.  I am just gently instructing him on something that I have been praying about in my own life, and sharing what God has shown me.

When your husband is facing bitter disappointments, be sure to tell him that you’re sorry it didn’t work out like he had hoped.  Tell him that you can certainly understand how discouraged he must be.  After you have taken time to acknowledge the situation, along with his feelings about it, then you may find it appropriate to gently remind him that God hasn’t ever failed you, so you have confidence in God’s ability to see him through this time.  Remind him that God has started a good work in him, and God will carry it through to completion.  Phil. 1:6

In closing, we need to remember that God made man with an intense need for sex.  When he is going through troublesome times that leave him feeling like less of a man, we can do a fabulous job by being responsive in that area.  We may even need to be the initiators, letting him know that we still find him desirable.  That physical release can be a huge help to a man who is facing some stressful times.  Make it fun for him to be home.  I have mentioned before how we, as wives, should make the home a refuge from the things of life.  At times, that refuge may simply be in the bedroom.
© 2003, Stacy R Miller

Where is Your Pulpit?

Where is Your Pulpit?

Titus 2:4,5 “that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”

As I was reading in Titus 2, I thought it was interesting to note that in verse 4, the first item on the list was for a woman to love her husband.  When we make a to-do list, we usually put the most important items at the top of the list.  For this item to be first on the list in scripture, the Lord is showing us that it is very important.  In verse 5, we find that she is to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to her husband.  In today’s society, men don’t get much respect.  Television makes husbands and fathers look like complete idiots.  Sadly, that attitude is even permeating Christian homes.  That must be why we are commanded in Eph. 5:33 to respect our husband.

For those who are newly married, or are struggling in their marriages, I wanted to give some practical advice on how to ‘love your husband,’ as the Word mandates.  We need to understand that our love for our husband is seen by how we speak to him and how we speak about him.  It is seen by how we take care of him and what we do to serve him.  Mt. 6:21 tells us that where our treasure is, our heart will be found.  Where is your treasure?  Do you see your husband as a precious treasure from the Lord?  Do you treat him as such?  What we do and say about our husband is often our ‘pulpit.’  People can learn much about us, just by observing how we treat our husband, whether he is present or not.

I try to honor my husband by having my daughter straighten up the family room before he comes home.  I try to have a meal fixed and ready for him.  Entering a house that has a sense of order, and the pleasant aroma of food is inviting to a man. (I am ‘preaching’ to him that he is important to me, simply by what I do for him.) Sometimes I will even turn on some soft, soothing worship music to greet him as he walks in the door.   My daughter will often question why it’s so important to make the house look nice “just for Daddy.”  From my ‘pulpit,’ I am trying to teach her that Daddy is important, and that when he comes home at the end of a long day, he doesn’t want to see messes everywhere.  Chances are high that he probably spent most of his day working in ‘messes.’  He needs a nice, quiet, inviting place to relax and unwind.

Just a few nights ago, Dean didn’t get home until around 10PM.   I have to admit, by 10PM, I was tired.  I didn’t feel like entering my ‘pulpit’ again, but because my desire is to honor my Christ in all that I do, I hopped up from the couch the minute I heard his truck door slam shut.  I met him at the door and asked if he had taken time to eat supper.  After he stated that he hadn’t, and that he was very hungry, I began pulling things out of the refrigerator, and in a matter of minutes, I had a big plate of hot food fixed and ready to eat.  I literally felt a second wind come into my body, giving me the energy to serve him, and to do it gladly.  I would venture to say that my attitude in serving my husband as if I were serving the Lord had a lot to do with that added burst of energy.  I enjoyed putting the meal together for him.

In Titus 2:4, the children were listed as second on the priority list.  While in the middle of trying to get Dean’s meal together, Rachel approached me, wanting some attention.  I gently, but firmly told her that I was taking care of her Daddy, so she would need to wait until I was finished getting his food fixed.  This was another way of honoring him.  He heard me telling her, in so many words, that my husband comes before her.

You can probably think of some things around the house that your husband likes done, just by thinking of comments he has made.  If he complains of the clutter, enter the ‘clutter pulpit’ and try to work on reducing that clutter.  I don’t mean doing it all in one day, but do a little every day.  Before you know it, the house will look much better, and you will be honoring your husband.

If he complains that supper is never ready when he walks in, try your hardest to ‘preach’ from the kitchen by at least having the meal started when he walks in the door.

In Titus 2:5, we are admonished to be busy at home.  So Sister, discover where your ‘pulpit’ is in your home.  Now get busy showing your husband that he is your most precious treasure, next of course, to your wonderful Savior!

Copyright Dec. 2003
By Stacy R. Miller

Our Husband’s Burden

Our Husband’s Burden

Women who are stay-at-home moms are in a better position to attend Bible studies, watch Christian TV, listen to Christian radio, and spend more time in the Word.  This can help us grow immensely in our walk with the Lord.

A problem arises, however, when we start to think we are more spiritual than our husband because we rarely see him in the Word.  What we fail to realize is that he can’t be in the Word like we can because he is working so hard to provide for the family.  We need to realize that he has a tremendous burden on him in doing that!  It should move us to intercede on his behalf a lot more than we probably do.

We may not be aware of how he may truly be growing in his walk with the Lord as he carries the burden of meeting all of the monthly financial obligations.  There’s the mortgage, the car payment, utility bills, food, and insurance, just to name a few.  That doesn’t even include the extras such as braces or the cost of gymnastics, ballet, soccer, or basketball.  God may be using the weight of the financial burden to really develop your husband’s dependency upon Himself.

I remember hearing a pastor say that a man’s mind is constantly thinking about finances, the bills, and being the sole provider.  When he asked the men in the congregation if he was correct in his assessment, the sanctuary erupted with a chorus of ‘Amen.’

God may be teaching your husband to trust Him, while maintaining a peaceful heart when he hears about more job cuts in his company.  God may be developing his spirituality in the many situations he faces every day.  If he works with the public, he may be learning to extend grace to people in ways that create huge spiritual growth in his life.  God may develop him through the ‘school of hard knocks,’ rather than through the resources that you have at your disposal.

I know that when I became a stay-at-home mom, I grew in ways that I never thought possible.  Yet, at the same time, when I worked full time as a customer service rep, I also had many opportunities to grow in grace while dealing with very upset customers.  When I worked at the hospital, often dealing with families whose loved ones were terminally ill, God used those experiences to help me learn to show mercy and compassion, even while taking care of the paperwork to get their loved one admitted to our unit.  So, you see, God can do wonders in developing your husband’s spiritual walk, even while he is at work.

Our husbands carry a heavy load, knowing that if they don’t provide for their own family, they are worse than an infidel.  (I Timothy 5:8)  That is a huge load to carry, and if we fail to realize how deeply spiritual it is to meet this obligation, we fail to be that crowning glory to our husband. (Proverbs 12:4)  When we bless them, encourage them, and thank them for the wonderful way in which they provide for our family, we speak life to them. (Proverbs 18:21)  When we encourage them, as well as pray for them, we also fulfill the words in Galatians 6:2 where it tells us to carry each other’s burdens.

Do you need to help ‘carry’ his burden?
© 2005, Stacy R. Miller

Monotonous Marriage

Monotonous Marriage

Has your marriage become one of just existing with one another?  Has it lost its spark and pizzazz?  Do you find that your marriage is boring?

When we said “I do” on our wedding day, we had high hopes for our marriage.  In our dreamy state of mind, we thought that the spark and fervent passion would never die.  All too often, reality sets in.  The next thing we know, we wonder what happened.

Just because a marriage starts out well doesn’t mean that it will continue to be a good marriage.  You must work hard at it.  It won’t stay exciting unless you work to keep it exciting.  You’ve probably heard it said that variety is the spice of life.

If you are struggling with a marriage that could use some added “zip” to it, start serving your husband with the attitude of serving Christ.  In Mt. 25:35-36 Jesus tells us that when we feed someone who is hungry, it’s the same as feeding Him.  When we give a cup of cold water to someone, it’s as doing it for Him.  When we clothe someone, it’s the same as doing it for Him.

In II Kings 5, we find the story of Naaman, who had leprosy.  He got offended when he was told to dip himself in the Jordan River seven times.  He thought it was a ridiculous thing to do.  Naaman’s servants asked him, “If the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it?”  It’s the same thing with us; if we are told to do some great thing for the Lord, we wouldn’t hesitate.  Yet, many of us draw back at giving fully of ourselves in our marriages.  If we would step out and truly serve our husband, as if serving Christ, we may find ourselves in the midst of a great work of God in our marriage.

I encourage you to go the extra mile for your husband.  Leave him encouraging notes or call him at work just to let him know that you are thinking of him.  When he gets mustard stains on his shirt, scrub his shirt as if you are scrubbing Christ’s shirt.  Run an errand for him as if you were doing it for Christ.  When he comes home, greet him with as much enthusiasm as you would greet your favorite person at church.  Massage his back as if you were massaging the back of the Master.  Let the Master’s touch reach down and rejuvenate your marriage!

© 2003, Stacy R. Miller

Homework

Homework

Some of you may ask why I bring up this subject when school is out for summer break.  I’m not referring to school work, but to our work in the home.  Titus 2:4-5 gives us an assignment for our home work.  It says that we are to love our husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, also to be busy at home, kind, and subject to our husbands so that the no one will malign the Word of God.

I am going to be sharing a lot from my personal experience in trying to live out the above scripture.  It was not an easy transformation, and I still have struggles at times, but it is an assignment that I am willing to continue doing because I have seen the fruits of putting it into action.  I hope that some of you are able to learn from my mistakes.

1.   We are to be busy at home.  (Titus 2:5)  As a new mom, who was used to working full time, this was really hard for me.  I craved time with adults.  Often, if I wasn’t leaving to go visit a friend, I was at least spending a large amount of time on the phone talking to friends.  While it’s not bad to converse with friends, many times I found that the conversations were going in a direction that wasn’t good.  Yes, I admit it, we were gossiping.  (I really don’t like that word!)

I was feeling isolated, trying to stay at home.  Part of the reason I was isolated was because I was out of God’s will.  The Bible tells us that we are to be busy at home, not to be busybodies!  The isolation was because I wasn’t obeying what God said.  As I began to read Proverbs and several books about women’s issues, it was becoming so clear to me that I was out of God’s will in several areas.  To try and stay home more was going to take a lot of work!  I began to ask the Lord to help me learn to be content at home (in all circumstances).  Phil. 4:11

2.   We are to love our husbands and our children.  (Titus 2:4)  To do this, you can’t be running on empty all the time.  I found that I was leaving home to go shopping or going to garage sales on a frequent basis.  There’s nothing wrong with doing these things, but if they become our focus, we get ourselves into trouble.  I found that on the days when I did so much running around, Rachel and I were both cranky.  We were both tired and I was very stressed.  I have found that running errands or going shopping are big users of my energy!  When evening came, I didn’t feel motivated to fix a big meal, nor did I feel like being too kind to my husband.  I wanted him to come in and take care of Rachel so that I could have a break!  It sure wasn’t a good way to show love to him or Rachel.  I’m sure that it often left him feeling like he was being taken for granted.  As I continued to pray for God to help me learn to be content to stay at home, I quickly saw that on the days when we did stay home, the atmosphere was MUCH more peaceful for all of us.  My stress level greatly decreased.  It quickly became my heart’s desire to be home as much as I could.

3.   Be self-controlled.  (Titus 2:5)  If we aren’t self-controlled, then our home work is going to haphazard at best.  I saw in Prov. 1 that the Proverbs were written for attaining wisdom and discipline, for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right.  I want to focus on the word “prudent.”  It refers to one who is exercising sound judgment in practical matters, who is cautious in conduct, and manages carefully.

I had begun to spend more time at home, but was feeling no real sense of purpose, beyond changing diapers, being a built in milk factory, and personal laundry attendant.  As I pondered on the word “prudent,” I came up with the idea of checking out the prices at several grocery stores.  I found out that I had been shopping at the most expensive store in town.  To use “sound judgment in practical matters,” I began to revise how I did my grocery shopping.  I was very quickly able to save us at least $20 to $60 a week.  I found a real sense of purpose in what I was doing.  I saw that I was putting some principles from Prov. 31 into practice by doing my husband “good, and not harm.”  I saw that my “trading” was profitable because it was stretching the money which my husband was earning.  I had a new sense of purpose and a joy in my heart because I knew that I was starting to live out more of the principles found in the Word.

4.   We are to be kind and pure.  (Titus 2:5)  I found that part of putting this into practice was by being cautious in friendship.  (Prov. 12)  Going again to the word prudent, we are to be cautious in our conduct.  I knew some people who were constant gossips, one of whom was constantly talking about her husband in a bad way.  It wasn’t like she talked about him to get me to keep him in prayer, but she just felt the need to give him a tongue-lashing, even when he wasn’t present.  I was striving to be kind and pure in my walk with the Lord, so I quickly began to find different friends.  I didn’t need a “friendship” that was going to suck the spiritual life out of me in just a matter of minutes.

Another way of being cautious in friendship is just by being mindful of how much time you spend with your friends.  You don’t want to cause your friend problems in her own family by the amount of time which she is spending with you.  I still visit my friends, mainly because it gives my only child a chance to play with other children.    Even then, we don’t do it more than once every 7-10 days.  The Lord has helped me to achieve a good balance there.  I also picked friendships that were like “iron sharpening iron,” mentioned in Prov. 27:17

5.   We are to be subject to our husbands.  (Titus 2:5)  Part of being subject to our husbands is learning to do what pleases them.  I don’t know of any man who desires to come home to a house that is dirty or cluttered.  Going back to being prudent, one who manages her home carefully is going to be one who manages to stay home to see that the work gets done.  Every day there needs to be a time set aside for tidying up the house before our husbands get home.  We also need to be mindful of how hard they work to make an income.  That requires sacrifice on our part at times — like staying away from the malls.  They are often a deceptive tactic of the enemy to cause us to be filled with discontentment.

6.  We are to teach what is good.  (Titus 2:3)  We are to be diligently teaching and training our children.  We are to be instructing them in righteousness.  I found that as I learned to stay at home more, I had much more energy, not to mention more time, to teach Rachel about the Lord.  We still often talk about God while we are running errands, but we are also spending a lot more time reading devotions together.  At bedtime, we are getting into the habit of reading the Word before we go to sleep.

Proverbs 19:16 tells us that she who obeys instruction guards her life.  The instruction for me, as a stay at home wife and mother was becoming much clearer.  (Although I haven’t really even touched the surface of it in this message.)  As I began to put this into daily practice, I found a new joy and contentment in my heart.  Granted, we aren’t at home all the time, but our days of errand running are down to only one or two days a week now, instead of three to four days.  I have much more energy for the tasks that are before me.

Yes, ladies, we have much home work to do, and if we allow God to teach us how to do it His way, we will find that godliness with contentment is GREAT gain.  (I Tim. 6:6)  This kind of home work may not earn us a diploma, but it may earn us these words:  “Well done, good and faithful servant.  Enter into the joy of the Lord.”
© 2003, Stacy R Miller

The House on the Rock

The House on the Rock

When my daughter was a toddler, we frequently sang a song about the wise man and the foolish man.  She loved doing the hand motions for the house that was built on sand.  I had no idea how the truths of that song would affect me in years to come.

Part of keeping our house on the rock is to make sure that we don’t choose the better over the best.  Sometimes I see the need to give up some very good activities so that I am able to grab hold of the best.  In my quest to try and keep my house built on the rock, I will frequently assess the activities in my life.

For instance, I was looking forward to attending a dinner for our women’s group at church.  It was the first opportunity that the ladies would have to hear our new pastor’s wife speak.  That same evening my daughter had gym class.  This was only the second time our homeschool group had met to have this class, and my daughter was really looking forward to participating.

I had to make a choice.  I could serve myself and enjoy the women’s function, or I could set my own needs and wants aside and serve my daughter.  Since my daughter is higher on my list of priorities than the women’s ministry, I chose to take her to gym class.  This helped me to keep my house on the rock because I chose to invest in my daughter, showing her that she is more important to me than the women at church.

My normal habit is to attend church on Wednesday evenings.  However, one Wednesday, I could tell that my husband was incredibly stressed.  Since he is higher on my priority list than my church attendance, I decided to have a friend take our daughter to church so that we could have some alone time – a huge rarity in our house.  I wish you could have seen my husband’s face when I made the arrangements for Rachel to attend without me.  He was very pleased.  Later when we were alone, I got out the massage oil and gave him a wonderful treat that he didn’t soon forget!  Once again, my choices helped me keep building on the rock, rather than shifting sand.

Another opportunity came when I found out that my friend’s son had a cyst on his brain.  I had not been able to get in touch with her, so I left a message on her answering machine, asking her to return my call.  Since she knows that I am adamant about not taking calls during our homeschool hours, I also told her that I would pick up the phone if I heard that it was her.  Now, while homeschooling is very high on my priority list, that particular day, I felt the need to drop it down a bit so that I could minister to my friend, as well as find out the details on what was taking place with her son.

Writing devotions is a passion of mine; however, I must not make the mistake of allowing it to come before the Lord.  Nor can I let it come before ministering to my husband, my daughter, or even keeping the household running.

Recently, I went through a season where I wasn’t writing at all.  Other things were just consuming my time.  During that time, it would have been very easy for me to become frustrated over not having any new material ready to send out to those on my mailing list.  Instead, I focused on continuing to build my house on the rock.  I knew that if I kept my priorities in order, God would honor those decisions.  Finally, I sat down one evening and grabbed my pen and paper.  Very quickly, I had written and typed up six devotions.  I was even able to write four more the next day.  I couldn’t seem to write fast enough to get my thoughts on paper.

As I’ve had to set aside a few of the things that I really wanted to do in order to choose God’s best for our family, I’ve had no regrets.  God is so faithful in pouring out His peace and joy when we are obedient to His Word.  The sense of balance that I have felt when I know that I have made choices that honored Him has been marvelous.  It makes it easier for me to say “no” to shifting sand.

Are you making choices that help you to build on the rock?

© 2005, Stacy R. Miller

Homeland Security

Homeland Security

In pondering on terrorist attacks, I realized that not only do terrorist attacks come into our home, but we are capable of launching them ourselves.  Just as our own country now has a department called ‘Homeland Security,’ we also need to devise a spiritual ‘Homeland Security’ plan.

Many of us are entering that stage of life where we may see our husband go through a mid-life crisis.  As men reach the stage of life where the hair begins to thin and the waist begins to thicken, they may suddenly realize that as they go walking down the street, they no longer draw the attention of women.  Ladies who may likely do a double-take when they see a good-looking man, don’t even acknowledge that he exists.  They may get that sudden panic-stricken feeling of realizing that their youth is quickly fading before their eyes.  To top it off, they come home, only to hear the following kinds of comments:
‘Dad, can I have an increase on my allowance?’
‘The washer quit working today, and the car is acting up.’
‘Did you remember to stop by the store and pick up some milk?’
‘Dad, did you write out the check for church camp registration?’
‘I need money so that I can pay the bills.’
‘Junior got put in detention for the second time this week.’
‘Janie got a D on her report card.’

Suddenly, not only does he feel old and fat, but he feels very unappreciated and unloved.  Part of devising a homeland security plan is to be very strategic about the timing of these kinds of issues.  We also need to teach our children to be mindful of how and when they approach their father with these kinds of requests.

Ladies, if we aren’t careful, we can launch a terrorist attack of infidelity.  You see, we are told in Eph. 5:33 that we are to respect our husband, to notice him, prefer him, praise him, compliment him, and admire him exceedingly. (Amp.) When we fail to do this, it can further launch him toward the temptation of an affair.  The other woman never brings him problems (like a broken washer, car repairs, etc.), but she plays up to his ego.  She compliments him, admires him, praises him, notices him, and she even takes the time to listen to him.  She does what we may have failed to do.  When we take the time to give our husband what I call ‘positive strokes,’ we launch a homeland security plan that keeps him coming home to us, rather than looking to another woman.

Continuing on the subject of homeland security, keep in mind that when your husband has been out working all day, he likely sees dog-eat-dog competition, and hears negative talk, criticism, and backbiting, not to mention a lot of ungodly talk in the form of dirty jokes and foul language.  A perfect solution for this would be to give him some time to read the Word when he first gets home.  However, I have heard from many women that their husband won’t take the time to read the Word.  The blood of Jesus cleanses us from our own sin, and the Word cleanses us from the dirty things to which we are exposed on a daily basis.  So if our husband isn’t taking time to read the Word, letting it cleanse him from the filth that he’s dealt with all day long, how can we launch a homeland security plan to help him?  We need to counter all of that negative ‘stuff’ when he comes home.  If he isn’t in the habit of reading the Word, we can try to offer a pleasant, wholesome atmosphere in our home.  We can be diligent about reading the Word ourselves, and then sharing in conversation with him the things we are learning, or even letting him know how we are being challenged in our own walk.

Many times in our marriage, our spouse may say something that angers us.  If we don’t quickly crucify our flesh, we will launch an ungodly terrorist attack by lashing out in our anger and bringing up past issues and past hurts.  That kind of attack may cause damage to our marriage that is similar to the Twin Towers when they came crashing down. The very foundation was destroyed.  Rather than destroying the foundation of our marriage in the heat of an argument, let’s determine to have a homeland security plan that shows us to be peacemakers, showing ourselves to be true daughters of God. (Mt. 5:9) We are to make every effort to live in peace with ALL men, including our husband. (Heb. 12:14)

Another homeland security plan that I have enforced is by teaching my daughter that we are to be different — aliens and strangers on this earth. (Heb. 11:13) We don’t dress in hip huggers or low-cut, tight-fitting shirts because as Christian ladies, we are to be self-controlled and chaste in our actions, deeds, and our manner of dress so that God’s Word won’t be blasphemed or exposed to reproach.  (Tit. 2:5) We are to control our bodies in purity, not dressing like the ungodly who purposely dress with the intent to get men to lust for them.  For when we dress and behave immodestly, we defraud young men by getting them to think that we can provide satisfaction for them, and it’s GOD who should bring ultimate satisfaction to them.  God doesn’t take this matter lightly either — rather, He will punish all (wo)men for such sins. (I Th. 4:4-6) By starting the teaching on modesty and proper behavior at a young age, we have engaged a homeland security plan that may help to keep our daughters pure in body, mind, and spirit.  It can help to destroy the terrorist attacks that are so prevalent in the lives of many young ladies in this day and age.

Many times when our hormones are all out of kilter, our tongues can unleash a vicious terrorist attack.  One plan to keep the homeland safe during these times is to meditate on Phil. 4:8.  If we find that our thoughts aren’t true, noble, just, pure, lovely, virtuous, or praise worthy, we can go to war and take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. (II Cor. 10:5) There is nothing wrong with taking some medication to help us during those time of crabbiness.  I’ve taken herbal medicines, as well as a generic premenstrual medication to help soothe my raging hormones.  I also go on the offensive and warn my family that my hormones are acting crazy.  I ask them to please try to bear with me.  I let them know that if I’m short-tempered and cranky with them, it’s not their fault.  They are much more likely to grant me grace in those times if I simply forewarn them.

In this final lesson on homeland security, we will be discussing how to launch a plan to teach our children faithfully about the Lord.  We will also deal with the overwhelming issue of suffering through depression, even when you have been faithful to read the Word of God.

Another very pro-active homeland security plan is to be faithful to teach our children about God, and how God wants us to live.  So many times, parents leave the spiritual training to the church and the workers at the church.  Having worked in children’s church for quite some time, I can assure you that a lot of time is wasted during children’s church because of the rowdy children.  I know that many times the workers wonder if any of their message came across because of the myriad of distractions they face every week.  I know that we are all tired at the end of the day, and we just want to send the kids off to bed so that we can have some peace, but that is a prime time to talk with the children.  They are very open in those moments.  Don’t let a satanic terrorist steal those moments from you, never to be recaptured.  If you make this a habit, in only a matter of about thirty days, it will become an automatic habit and a good one!  You will never regret taking that time to talk with your children.  Sometimes the subject will get off target, but that’s all right.  Let them talk, and be sure to really listen to them.  If you don’t take time to listen and talk with them about the unimportant issues, they won’t talk to you later about the really important issues.

Too many people are quick to condemn those who suffer with depression.  They leave you with the impression that if you read the Word, it will take care of any depression.  While that is true in many case, it isn’t true in all cases.  Sometimes there are physical things wrong that need to be corrected through medication.  To those of you who may be on medicine for depression, I want to say, ‘Bless you for getting help!’ You may be facing guilt and condemnation from the enemy.  In fact, some of that guilt and condemnation may even be coming from your own church family.  I applaud you for realizing that you needed some help from a doctor.  Because of your wisdom in seeing this need, you may never realize what kinds of terrorist attacks you may have stopped just by simply taking medication to help your body function the way God made it to function.  You have launched an effective security plan for yourself, and for your family.  Don’t feel guilty about being on the medication.  After all, God is the one who gave doctors the wisdom to help you!

Sisters, do you need to start up some homeland security in your home?
© 2004, Stacy R Miller